Dispatches from the Marine Bill Committee

There was much tittering from the offices of those bag-carriers whose bosses have been engaged in the Marine Bill marathon, at this missive from the office of the Minister for Fish:

"Please find attached a letter from Huw Irranca-Davies regarding concerns over a definition of “annoyance” raised by naturists. A hard copy is in the post."

A [snigger] hard copy's in the post, eh?

I bet it is.

What kind of MP do you work for?

Not one of my best, I fear, but you can read my latest alt.guide for W4MP here.

Next month Dean Trench will examining the crazy world of political drama.

Sunday sing-along: The Streak by Ray Stevens

I remember my dad roaring with laughter to this LP when we were growing up, which probably explains more about my sense of humour than I'd usually be prepared to acknowledge.

This one is for Comrade R. who had to put up with me periodically shouting "DON'T LOOK, ETHEL!" all week until, mercifully (for her), I was struck down with the flu and confined to bed.

Enjoy.

Nothing to see here, move along please (Andy Coulson edition)

FURY has broken out on the Conservative blogosphere over a story planted in the leftist controlled Guardian newspaper about phonetapping at the News of the World that is threatening to engulf bright eyed ingenue Andy Coulson, formerly senior matron of that parish. It is rumoured that Coulson thought that the vast sums disappearing out of petty cash was due to that divine new brand of French vanilla coffee that Marjory in accounts was partial to, and a bulk-buy policy on chocolate Hob Nobs. Instead, and unbeknownst to him, the money was being used to pay off disgruntled victims of phone tapping.

Number one blogger Guido Fawkes has quoted a "spin-doctor" as saying, "You pesky Conservative troof-seekers took out Damian McBride, and now we're going to do the same to one of yours. This time it's personal, sugar tits!" in the manner of the arch villian in one the more interminable Bond films revealing his evil plan in minute detail to our hero, just before he escapes using an exploding pen and a featherlite condom.

Over the past year, and with the assistanct of kohl eyed Question Time favourite Shami Chakrabarti, the Conservatives had rebranded themselves as the the party of AINSHUNT WIBERTEES, focusing on such principles as the historic right of Tory politicians not to be arrested or bothered by the fuzz. The very tenets, in fact, set out in the Magna Carta, which was handed to Damian Green by Henry Porter himself on the top of Mount Sinai.

Whilst there was initially some confusion as to how they could get away with being "relaxed" at what amounts to knicker-sniffing with tapped phones, it swiftly became apparent that few Conservative politicians were targeted in this fashion. This came as a relief to Mr Porter, who celebrated, as he does every Sunday, by writing an article entitled "It's Still All Labour's Fault - POLICE STATE!!!111!!". Jeremy Hunt, Shadow spokesman for Culture, slammed Labour and the Liberal Democrats for showing a "huge dose of political opportunism" because they had the cheek to ask where listening in on telephone calls fitted into the Tories' privacy narrative.

The Conservative blogosphere - diverted momentarily from trying to frame anyone who had passed within half a mile of Damian McBride as being an EVIL SMEARER - largely agreed that Coulson knew NUFFINK about what had been going on in his NOTW office, and had absolutely no questions to answer. And even if he might have known something, David Cameron was clear that he believed in giving people a second chance, like he believed in free childcare (if you're Tory MP Caroline Spelman) and MPs not being arrested (if you're Tory MP Damian Green).

"It's compassionate Conservativism in action! Well done Dave! Printed and promoted by Andy Coulson, CCHQ, Somewhere in SW1" raved the Conservative bloggers in un-coordinated statements of support.

A disgruntled Government whip was heard to mutter that he wished the Labour blogosphere could be so on message. "Biggest scandal to hit the Tory party in years, and where are our lot? Arguing over whether Harry Potter is a new Labour plot to teach kids how to be fascist and posting pictures of kittens. Impeccable."

Bognor Regis

Handling the media

Because I'm aware that sometimes our beloved lobby press are liable to take the reputation of their profession somewhat more seriously than they do that of the "political class", I'd like to stress that this W4MP guide is not entirely serious:

HANDLING THE MEDIA

What you’ve always wanted to know about the Fourth Estate but were afraid to ask

Sunday sing-along (Hazel Blears edition)

Hazel Blears apologises for:

1. Resigning as Local Government Minister the day before the, er, local and Euro elections;
2. Wearing a "rock the boat" brooch, the presence of which was presumably pointed out to the lobby press by some crack bag-carrier or other. Let's face it, the gen on Hazel's lapel-wear was unlikely to have come from the Gord who gives the distinct impression of not being the sort of chap who would necessarily notice if someone were to show up at a meeting naked. That brooch was not an accidental clothing choice, it deliberate and deliberately briefed. Well, I think so;
3. Generally being smug, and beaming about making life on election day much more difficult for canvassers on the ground;
4. Writing an article a few weeks ago setting out her manifesto whilst making a crafty side-swipe at the Gord's online charms, and claiming to be astonished discouraging words subsequently started coming out of Number 10.

It's amazing how grumblings emanating from one's local party about reselection can concentrate one's mind, eh?

Pity really. I always quite liked Hazel Blears.