Terms of the Tavern

A translation of key words and phrases you might expect to hear in the Tavern. Further suggestions welcome either in the comments or by email to the usual address.

Bag-carrier: a person who works for a Member of Parliament

Beer monkeys: the little blighters who - after you've had a few sherberts - will visit you in the night, steal all your money, beat you over the head repeatedly, and shit in your mouth. See also beer yeti.

Beer yeti: like the beer monkeys only more violent.

Bojo: Boris Johnson MP. Also a term used to describe the Smith barnet which is long, blonde, and largely unkempt (eg. "I just need to comb my bojo, and then I'll be there").

Booze march: the purposeful stride you undertake on the way back from the pub. Okay, you're covering four times the distance as you tack hither and thither across the road, but you're going so fast that you get home in half the time (eg. "I missed the last train but got my booze march on and was home in half an hour").

Chucky K: Charles Kennedy MP.

Don't leave me hanging!: an instruction to the person nearest you to assist you in a high-five after you've cracked a gag of Wildean proportions. If you are undertaking this in licensed premises, expect to start missing each other around 10pm.

Filthy coffee/filth: the stuff I usually drink as I can't afford the posh stuff. Instant granules with a dash of skimmed milk and a quick stir produces a taste sensation not dissimilar to bathwater flavoured slightly with an Oxo cube. Tasty.

Fonx: "thanks but no thanks." See also: fonxing mofo (eg. "I'd arranged a date last night but got fonxed at the last minute").

Fonxing mofo: usually uttered by the fonxee to the fonxer (see above).

Julie: a bag-carrier's better half.

Milibands: "Miliband the Elder" (Ralph), "Miliband the Younger" (David), "Miliband the Even Younger" (Ed).

Out: the place that bag-carriers assume exists beyond the Palace of Westminster (eg: "are we going Out after work?")

Sausage smile, The: the satisfied grin I'm assured I assume whenever somebody mentions that snaggers are on the menu for lunch.

Spadework: the attentive conversations that are undertaken with members of the opposite sex in anticipation of reward later on. Should you catch one of your mates putting in some spadework, it is Da Roolz to stand behind the object of his or her affection making digging motions.

Usual, The: Sports and Social Bar, House of Commons where bag-carriers retire for a pint of Spitfire and a packet of peanuts after a hard day at the coalface of political research (eg. "see you in The Usual tonight?")

Westminster Good-looking: a unremarkable specimen of masculinity that, in comparison to most others on the Estate, is reasonably hot (thanks to Comrade R. for this one and Comrade A. for Parliament Goggles which is a slightly better term for the phenomenon).

Wrongmo: affectionate - or not so affectionate - slang for "wrong 'un." If you're looking at my blogroll and you're under "Miscellaneous wrongmos," it's meant affectionately. If you're a BBC Have Your Say commenter - it's not.